Why you have to work

Dear Earth,

Do you want to thrive in your orbit? Do you want that added transport link from London to France to make your neighbouring planets jealous? Do you want hi-Fi sound-systems that are actually the crunching of boots against hard concrete as your people move to develop you?  You have a good population here and Venus knows it. Heck, even Neptune sees it when he’s conducting his inter-planetary research. Just keep your arrogant people working and they’ll see; you’ll finally be classed as the ‘humble abode’ you’ve worked so hard for. They’ll work for your cause soon, all those pitiful people-‘woe is me, oh no! I have to brush my teeth-stupid toothbrush! I’ll die from this exertion I tell ya!’ Yeah that kind.

But it’s not too long now: the last phase of your master plan has almost been achieved. The industrial revolution was a good one. Just get those foolish Earthlings that are wasting your resources to work by building a better space station that is worthy of milky way communications-don’t worry, just convince them with an ‘extraterrestrial artefact’. Muahaha!! It’s a good thing you perfected your evil laughter over the last lunar eclipse or otherwise you wouldn’t have been considered for this honorary position you now hold.

Best Regards,

The Commissions of Planetary Domination


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