Here I am, looking at this blank page in front of me with tears sliding down my cheekbones. I’m not emotional at all right now: not angry, not frustrated, not miserable.. not anything. I honestly, truly don’t know why I’m crying. But I have a few theories.
1. My subconscious knows something I don’t and is severely affected by my lack of productivity/ meaningful endeavours/ spiritual connection.
2. Loneliness. All of my ‘friends’ are really just acquaintances who only engage in phatic and frivolous talk with the exception of one friend but she herself is too independent and passive to talk to. I thought I had many friends but it turns out I don’t really want to be around them much anymore-they either remind me of my hopelessness or remind me of other things I could be doing. Friends are overrated.
3. My soul is upset by all the negativity I’m surrounding myself with.
4. I got an hour’s less sleep yesterday.
I’ve been thinking a lot about friendships lately. It’s not that I don’t think they’re great people or that I’m superior to any of them, although they all make me wish I was someone else. I hate that feeling. It’s so unwelcome, so uncomfortable. I would try harder if I knew that they would care enough to think about me or wouldn’t forget me as soon as I’m out of their sight, heck they forget about me while I’m with them most of the time. I guess it’s just something about me that people don’t trust enough to be personal and real with; it’s always been like this, every friend that I’ve tried my best with has eventually moved on. All of the contacts on my phone are transitory. I’ll try to make a concerted effort to keep my distance from everyone for a day and see how that turns out…