The cost of what you do

As I  battle my constant internal struggles, or rather, as I indulge in them, I realise that I’m paying for my addictions with my very life. Right now, a DS game has captured my attention-and kept it for more than 5 hours. It was hard to stop playing. Although I couldn’t fathom why I wanted to keep playing; my eyes stung, my back ached after being hunched over the screen, my work awaited, and the worst part is, well, it wasn’t even entertaining. It’s like I was only torturing myself because it was supposed to be fun, not that it was actually fun. So I kept playing, trying to get to better levels so I could taste that fun.

It never came.

And so right now, in the midst of my various unopened textbooks, I’ve come to realise I’ve fallen. I’m standing on burning coals intentionally, which is absurd. And in this moment, with nought but the deep silence of the room, the hum of cars moving outside, and the distant sound of water falling, have I come to know that I am better than this. I’m so much better than what I do. I need to strive so that my actions are complementary to who I am. So that my core values are not banished or compromised  in the knot that is life.

So my life doesn’t bleed out every time I do something that I don’t want to do.

Standing Alone

Here I am, looking at this blank page in front of me with tears sliding down my cheekbones. I’m not emotional at all right now: not angry, not frustrated, not miserable.. not anything. I honestly, truly don’t know why I’m crying. But I have a few theories.

1. My subconscious knows something I don’t and is severely affected by my lack of productivity/ meaningful endeavours/ spiritual connection.

2. Loneliness. All of my ‘friends’ are really just acquaintances who only engage in phatic and frivolous talk with the exception of one friend but she herself is too independent and passive to talk to. I thought I had many friends but it turns out I don’t really want to be around them much anymore-they either remind me of my hopelessness or remind me of other things I could be doing. Friends are overrated.

3. My soul is upset by all the negativity I’m surrounding myself with.

4. I got an hour’s less sleep yesterday.

I’ve been thinking a lot about friendships lately. It’s not that I don’t think they’re great people or that I’m superior to any of them, although they all make me wish I was someone else. I hate that feeling. It’s so unwelcome, so uncomfortable. I would try harder if I knew that they would care enough to think about me or wouldn’t forget me as soon as I’m out of their sight, heck they forget about me while I’m with them most of the time. I guess it’s just something about me that people don’t trust enough to be personal and real with; it’s always been like this, every friend that I’ve tried my best with has eventually moved on. All of the contacts on my phone are transitory. I’ll try to make a concerted effort to keep my distance from everyone for a day and see how that turns out…

Death

I know I’ll die soon. Everyone does. It’s the cycle of life: ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

How often have you thought about dying? Once a day? Once a week, month…year? Decade even? So many past nations have risen and fallen, their remains now scattered in the earth. It’s as if they were never here, like they never existed. What proof do I have that such-and-such person ever lived? Of course you could use DNA testing and all of those other snazzy science-tech tools but what if you can’t find anything to test on? No remnants of life or..or anything.

How many of those dead-those countless forgotten people-do I remember? Merely a handful compared to those who have once been. Just those who’ve changed the world in a substantial way: the scientists who advanced modern living, authors, royalty and the like. The name flashing in my skull right now is Thomas Edison. He gave us light to brighten the darkness.

We had to replace a faulty bulb today and the newer one is so much brighter.. It hurts to look at it. It’s artificial, sure, but that I’m depending on that very light to light my way-without it I would have had a few sprains by now. And before suggesting ‘candlelight, duh!’ you should know that candles are hardly as bright nor as convenient as device just hanging passively from the ceiling.

I think it’s just so profound, so, so meaningful that a person who lived, some uh, 81 years ago had the power to affect everyone’s lives today. And this is what he said:

Remembrance Day

In Flanders fields the poppies blow
      Between the crosses, row on row,
   That mark our place; and in the sky
   The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
   Loved and were loved, and now we lie
         In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
   The torch; be yours to hold it high.
   If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
         In Flanders fields.

Why you have to work

Dear Earth,

Do you want to thrive in your orbit? Do you want that added transport link from London to France to make your neighbouring planets jealous? Do you want hi-Fi sound-systems that are actually the crunching of boots against hard concrete as your people move to develop you?  You have a good population here and Venus knows it. Heck, even Neptune sees it when he’s conducting his inter-planetary research. Just keep your arrogant people working and they’ll see; you’ll finally be classed as the ‘humble abode’ you’ve worked so hard for. They’ll work for your cause soon, all those pitiful people-‘woe is me, oh no! I have to brush my teeth-stupid toothbrush! I’ll die from this exertion I tell ya!’ Yeah that kind.

But it’s not too long now: the last phase of your master plan has almost been achieved. The industrial revolution was a good one. Just get those foolish Earthlings that are wasting your resources to work by building a better space station that is worthy of milky way communications-don’t worry, just convince them with an ‘extraterrestrial artefact’. Muahaha!! It’s a good thing you perfected your evil laughter over the last lunar eclipse or otherwise you wouldn’t have been considered for this honorary position you now hold.

Best Regards,

The Commissions of Planetary Domination

Being Real

Today I remembered what I’d forgotten. Today I  realised that I can be whoever I want to be, with time. Today I was reintroduced to my own values.

I keep getting lost and muddled with all the things I’m taking in from the world; it feels so confusing, so scary. I’m all alone here and somehow I have to pull myself up to sit on the expectations of everyone else. And when I can’t, I’m looked down upon. Everyone seems to have everything sorted-they know themselves, they know where they are going and they know what they need to do to get there. I’m still lost. Afraid of the dark. No helping hand.

I realised today that nobody but  myself can change my situation.

I’m a dreamer. I’ve dreamt dreams but they’re all in conflict with each other and I don’t know which ones to choose. They all speak to me, inspire me but they add to my indecision and my confusion as to what I want to do with my life. It’s always been like this: one day I want to follow one and the next I follow another. I really, really want to be good at something. Right now I’m just mediocre at everything and I want to change that.

I just don’t know how.